Linguine of Sea and Shellfish Braised in White Wine, Saffron and Herbs

We shouldn’t have ordered bread.

Don’t get me wrong, when it promptly arrived, the bread tasted fantastic, the tiny bit I tried. And the portion was plentiful too. Maybe too plentiful and tasty because the twins attacked it and after a gremlin-esque five minutes, it was gone. Naturally, with bellies distended with dough (and not to mention freshly pressed cloudy apple juice) their hunger factor had somewhat diminished. And from then on it became increasingly difficult to keep them amused at the table. When our very pretty looking starters arrived, I managed to keep meat eater Isla sat still for a short while by feeding her a few morsels of chorizo and pigeon but the allure of the toilet became too fascinating. It took five visits to realise that she was more interested in dancing under the hand dryer, having her hair whipped up like some pre-school Hannah Montana than actually going for a wee-wee. Fin on the other hand was convinced that the Gruffalo was in the garden and kept peering out through the window, shouting at said imaginary creature and clutching a round candle holder from our table like a hand grenade. Although he did also try some of the starter and wound up fashioning a neat little red moustache from the raspberry dressing on his upper lip. And then for some reason via some kind of mental telepathy that only twins possess, the two decided they should have an ugly face competition complete with fits and giggles.

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Roast Braxted Pheasant Breast with Savoy Cabbage and Game Gravy with English Bilberries and Crab Apple Jelly
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Simple Grilled Fish with New Potatoes and Salad

So it pains me to say that when our main courses came along, everything was scoffed at high speed as Mrs FU and I plunged into the free fall of stressed parents worrying that their kids behaviour was going to affect the other customers. Yes some of us do care you know. The food was certainly delicious, my pheasant was beautifully moist but I’m afraid that the plates were cleared without much consideration. The fact they were cleared is a good sign but I do know that Mrs FU suffered from indigestion afterwards. I ended up polishing off the kid’s fish with no side effects at all (it was lovely). But what, surely what could possibly get us so uptight that we felt had to rush things so? I mean Christ, they’re only kids after all.

All eyes to Fin for this one, a dead ringer for Daniel Roche. Towards the end of our very brief stay, he decided to stand up on his seat and produce a perfectly melodious one-note piece of french horn from his bottom. I don’t know if he did it because he was feeling uncomfortable or if it was purely for entertainment reasons but I do know that the elderly couple on the adjacent table heard it. And they weren’t amused. I looked Fin sternly in the eye and said “Finlay! What do you say?”

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“I farted”, he replied.

As if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Seeing as he was being so honest, the only response I could muster was to stoically and sagely nod, left eye twitching. Firstly at Fin. Then to the grim faced couple. And then to the table. Trying not to burst out laughing. Thankfully, our waitress came along shortly after with the very reasonable bill and we all dashed out. I am sure we shall return in the near future as the plaudits heaped on The DuCane are certainly justified. But perhaps it will be just the two of us.

And have no fear, of course we shall continue to take our beloved pair to eat out more often. It’s educational and fun for them and also for us, though I suspect it’ll be a long while before we can expect anything remotely civilised. Like I said before, God knows where they get it from.

Previously published at Food Urchin as Outnumbered at the DuCane, 11 January 2011

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Comments

  1. Brilliant! I can so sympathise with the ‘French horn’! The food does look and sound delicious though!

    We tend to go to restaurants only if they have a children’s menu, that way if they are snooty we ignore them with a ‘you asked for it attitude’. Also, doing it that way means we can eat in some lovely spots that don’t come with a terrifying orange haired clown!

    • We’re lucky there’s so much choice nowadays. Years ago it probably would have been the Berni Inn and that was it! Whatever happened to Berni Inns?! Craving prawn cocktail now…

  2. Haha….this is such a funny post. Just enjoyed reading it though I won’t want to go through as a mother. It’s actually such a huge relief that my crazy times with my little girls are over….nightmarish eating out…worse in friend’s house. But they grow up fast and we will miss those times 😀 Have fun as a mom, Sarah!

    • Mine has always been pretty good but I can imagine it would be much harder work with two at the same time. I like that they bang their hands on the table and shout for dinner!

  3. I’m delighted that I’m not the only one who tries to eat at nice places yet finds myself gulping food I barely taste because the kids are heading for meltdown. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this at stupid o’clock because the same children were up late last night and therefore early this morning. It made me laugh. It made my mouth water. It made me wonder how long it would take to drive to Essex.

    • No you’re not alone having to eat at high speed… I remember it being like that in the beginning. Your’s are still little aren’t they?

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